KAREN WHITE
MY TEDx TALK
LOVE WINS
Love is patient and kind; love is not egotistical or judgmental.
We will grow and communicate better when we stop judging and labeling others.
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Love in part of every culture, but unfortunately hate and judging is also. Love is patient and kind.
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I am the grandparent of twins and triples. The twins were born in February, and the triplets were born in October of the same year. From October until the following February, I have five grandchildren the same age. And, I am in love with all five of them!!!
The twins are two girls - one blonde with blue eyes and one brunette with brown eyes. (Definitely not identical)
The triplets are one boy and two girls. No one is identical.
I was a professor in Connecticut when the twins came. When spring break came, I flew to Texas. I was truly blessed when I held these two precious girls - one in each arm, my eyes flooding with happy tears. Seven months later, my son and his wife had triplets. My heart overflowed with joy.
What an awesome family!!!
I was a “big deal,” at least in my mind. I was on several national committees and commissions. I was on the Computing Sciences Accreditation Board, Computer Accreditation Commission, and Malcolm Baldrige National Quality Award Commission. I was the director of Certification from the Institute for Certification of Computer Professionals and was involved in conferences, service, teaching, and publishing. I was the “Educator of the Year” for my professional organization and a winner of the campus Center of Excellence in Teaching award. Yes, I had a big ego. I was the campus speaker twice for the opening convocation (usually only one time). I chaired my national organization's annual conference FOUR times (the most before me was TWO times).
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But, in April 2016 something happened.
I taught the Capstone Projects class in my last semester of teaching at the University of Texas. I had excellent students. I got close to two of them. They were initially of Middle Eastern heritage. I found that I was judging these students because of their heritage. After all, their heritage was the group that flew airplanes into the Twin Towers in New York City. How could these two students be so smart and teachable while those radicals hated the United States?
I had other international students that I also had judged unfairly.
A lot of my judgmental attitude came from my extreme religious background - forget the part about loving your neighbor and that God is love, but accentuate the part that only God’s choosen people go to heaven. Non-believers were going to HELL!!! (And, as a professor with international students,I judged them unfairly)
BOOM - a two-by-four board smashed me, and a ton of bricks fell on me. (Only figuratively.) How could I be so judgmental and egotistical? Who was I to judge? Who was I to say somebody was going to Hell?
That day, I started my transformation. I couldn’t live with myself as a hater anymore.
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I retired after that semester. Within a year, I had significant aorta surgery, and my surgeon said I was lucky to be alive. Hmmm. What did that mean to me? I was learning to love and not judge others. And I really judged pretty much all people in one way or another.
After my surgery, I was depressed. I felt as if I was at the bottom of a thousand-foot well. I could barely see the light from the top of the well. Depression is an ego killer. But I found solace in picturing my perfect place - a beautiful mountain valley … as a woman.
This didn’t sit well with my wife. She asked me to leave our house four times so she could think. The first time for an hour walking in the neighborhood; the second time in a town about thirty miles away for the morning. She texted me to come home so we could work it out, but there was no discussion when I got home. The third time, I had a room in a third-rate hotel in a town forty miles away. The fourth time was a week in an extended-stay hotel.
Finally, she asked me to move out. I couldn’t stay in my home, and I did. My wife and daughter requested I go through a “Celebrate Recovery” group to get my life back. After four months of trying as they wanted me to live (as a man) and publicly confessing I was wrong for considering being a woman, I asked for dinner with my wife, who said “NO”.
What does a man thinking about being a woman and finding out about unconditional love do? In the immediately days after, she said “NO”, I got a wig, got my ears pierced, bought some clothes at a thrift shop, and started hormone replacement therapy (HRT).
Since then, I’ve been estranged from my family; I haven’t seen my precious grandchildren for six years.
And I’ve been going deeper into unconditional love.
The Greeks have three essential words for love - Agape love - or unconditional love; Eros - sexual love; and Phila - like Philadelphia - brotherly love. In English, love is thrown around. I love my wife, and I love peanut butter. They use the same verb but are at a different level.
Unconditional love is just that - unconditional. I am trying to put no constraints, boundaries, or requirements on my love.
It is a journey. In this election year, I want to love and endorse one side and hate and condemn the other. And I can’t. All the candidates are HUMAN BEINGS - and I am compelled to love them.
I like Dorothy Day's quote, “I can only love God as much as the person I love the least.” I have to love everybody.
Love, kindness, not-judgmental, forgiving, and uncondition.
Even if you approach me with a machete, I can’t hate you. I can try to avoid you, but I can’t hate you. Something deep in your brain is off.
My primary upbringing says, “I am to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.”
But immediately after that, the direction is to “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Love all people, love my neighbor, love international students from different cultures, religions, and backgrounds, love straight people and LGBTQ people, love blacks, brown, red, yellow, white, and ALL people.
Now, for me, that hasn’t been easy. I want to judge people—it is part of my nature. I look at somebody, and my brain says, “That person seems nice,” or my brain says, “Avoid that person; they look mean.”
LOVE EVERYBODY.
We are all in this world together. Why do we hate immigrants at the border? Why do the Russians hate the Ukrainians? Why do the Israelis hate Palestinians (and vice versa)? Why do the conservatives hate liberals and liberals hate conservatives?
Why does hate flourish and love languish?
I am called to be a lover.
To that end, I have changed my gender to be a transgender woman. A quote that appeals to me is to love justice, show mercy, and be humble. After being an egotistical, honored male, being a senior woman is quite a challenge in humility for me.
So, I am really a work in progress. Every day, I try to love more. I know that all people have problems - some minor issues and some significant issues like homelessness, drugs, and intense hatred.
I smile a lot and try to be open, kind, pleasant, and loving to everyone. I even wave “hi” to cars when I’m out for my daily walk!!
Now, in my senior years, how do I love all people? People might express hate for me, but I have to love them unconditionally.
I miss my two children and five grandchildren. When I last saw them, the twins were in kindergarten, and the triplets were in pre-school. Now, they are in sixth and fifth grade. Reconciliation will occur someday. Hate is not a good thing.
I do allow some biases into my life. For example. I cheer for the Nebraska and Texas football teams.
I am Karen White, a significantly changed person from seven years ago. I appreciate life and am working towards appreciating and loving all human beings!
Thank you for listening to me.
LOVE WINS
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